Some men need to take a long walk off a short pier
And other interesting stuff I read this week that I thought you might like too.
Recently I had an altercation with a man.
Not the first, certainly won’t be the last, and this is by no means intended to be a man-hating musing.
This individual, of dubious moral character, was falsely claiming that we were known to each other. I was considering letting this wash over me, but a reputation takes a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy.
So I sent him a stern message.
The response was as I’d expected. He lashed out. A vicious ALL CAPS response. Called me names. Even threatened to call my boss.
Could that message have been politer? Absolutely. But did it get my message across? Without a doubt.
His response got me thinking: some men just aren’t used to women telling them to take a long walk off a short pier (I was going to say ‘fuck off’ but my dad reads these and he finds my colourful language unsophisticated).
As women we are indirect in our communication, because the repercussions of the alternative are, with some men, genuinely very scary. Almost anytime you're blunt or direct with a man, you become the bad guy to some degree. We don’t know how to tell who will take it well (many do) or who will broadcast that we’re an agent of Satan (it’s often the ones you least expect.) As such, women learn early that politeness is safer than honesty. I see it everywhere and am as guilty of it as anyone.
Most of us will smile and nod, laugh at your jokes when they aren’t funny, be generally agreeable, even when slightly uncomfortable.
And when, for example, you mistake that politeness for flirting and try to take things a step further, we start with “SORRY” then tack on something like “my friend is waiting for me” or “I’ve got an early start.” We’ve been conditioned to soften the blow instead of just saying, “I’d rather eat a brick than spend time with you.”
We imply no a thousand polite ways, often gift-wrapping it in an apology - but we never actually say it.
Some men see that inability to be direct, that polite excuse, as a challenge. If a woman implies no, in any form, it’s taken as an open negotiation. An unsolved riddle. The first act of a rom-com where the guy stalks a woman into loving him.
In a way I feel sorry for men. It’s tough. On the one hand, women are crying out for men to approach them at the supermarket, shout them a drink from across the bar, ask if they want to get a coffee after run club sometime. We love a man bold enough to make an approach, say something charming (or at least not horrifying), and put himself out there. But we do not love it when that same man treats direct boundary-setting or rejection like a glitch in the Matrix and then turns into the Joker.
Some men need to learn that being bold and being entitled are two very different things. A couple of handy hints to get it right: First, if someone is into you, you’ll know. If you’re unsure, they probably aren’t. Second, if you’re self-aware enough to be worried about approaching a girl because you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, you’re probably not the type of guy girls feel uncomfortable around.
So yes, be bold. Ask her out, send the first message, shoot your shot. But if she says no, or more likely just doesn’t say yes, know how to move along - with your dignity intact, and hers respected.
Because the confidence isn’t in the ask, it’s in the grace of the exit.
Weekly Reads
All Haka, No Mahi: Aaron Smale On Why Te Pāti Māori Risks Being All Song And Dance for The Listener. My take, Te Pāti Māori and their inability to transition from activists to advocates will be the reason Labour won’t lead the next government.
An I.V.F. Mix-Up, a Shocking Discovery and an Unbearable Choice by Susan Dominus for The New York Times. I think I have shared this before but have paraphrased it very poorly to a few people recently, so if you’re one of those people here it is.
Cities And Ambition by Paul Graham. “Most people who did great things were clumped together in a few places where that sort of thing was done at the time.”
Mike Tindall The Driving Force Behind Rugby Breakaway League by Gavin Mairs for The Telegraph. The window they want to play this in overlaps directly with Super Rugby. Not ideal. One to watch.
30 Things I Learned At European Cooking School by Steph Robinson. Save this.
Why We Stopped Building Cut And Cover by Brian Porter for Works In Progress. Of every article I’ve ever read on how tunnels are made this is the best one (the sample size isn’t huge, but it’s more than one.)
I'm Fine, Chatgpt Said So by Grace Isabella for Culture Vulture. A great piece on how outsourcing emotional self-assessment to AI may offer short-term comfort, but at the same time it’s built to mirror back a version of ourselves we want to hear, preventing you from actually getting better.
What OnlyFans' Billions Reveal About The Market Value Of Male Desire by Maalvika for the Learning Loving Substack. The platform's $6.6B in user spending exceeds the global box office earnings of every movie released in 2023.
Podcast of the week
This is a shameless plug for the ol’work podcast because we are doing a live episode this Thursday! If you want to come along, let me know, we’ve got an allocation of tickets to give away so just email me.
Fact of the week
MP’s don’t get maternity leave.
Life update
$79,881.17 later, in the words of Sir Ed, we’ve knocked the bugger off.
Happy reading,
Maddy xx